Tag Archives: Adhd

Parenting an adhd child.

So today is one of these days where I cry in the kitchen. I feel drained and lonely. And I have no-one to talk to. This is not unusual, but luckily we do have better periods to. But this is one of these shitstorms as I like to call them. In writing this maybe I’m able to sort my thoughts and maybe another mother can feel less alone then I do right now.

My child is most of the time a loving, creative and outgoing child. Emotional regulation has always been hard and to day was one of the days where he takes it out on me. Already when we woke up this morning everything went wrong. His clothes was wrong, the food and my voice was wrong. I prepared his school lunch and tried to stay out of the way so that he didn’t bring his anger to school.

When back from school I walked to greet him as I wished to have a nice time and play outdoors with him. He wanted no help from me, but he was happy playing in the snow. As soon as he got in, it all started again. And now I dread the weekend as my husband leaves for work.

I do everything for my kids. I love and guide them as well as I can. I’m no perfect parent. I don’t “belive” in such a thing. I am educated in child development, but this verbal abuse(and sometimes physical)… I don’t know what to do and it sucks. The parents that tell me it’s not so bad to raise an adhd child(possibly with autism too) obviously don’t raise one…

What hurts the most these days is that he shuts down. Won’t listen to anything, screams and treathen. He will say anything to make others hurt to. Most of all me. I feel childish. It hurts when he talks negative about everything and everything I do. And I just don’t understand why. Is he overwhelmed, is something troubling him or am I just the failure that he tells me?

It’s also frustrating how others seem to have the need to normalize this. All parents struggle, and raising kids is hard on everyone. My child is wired differently than most. And when I tell you it’s hard. Would you please just listen and support? When I tell you it’s hard, I’m not saying my child isn’t wonderful, cool, kind, and fun. I’m telling you, I get tired, that I give my all to this wonderful human being. I give everything and yet it is not enough. I need to refuel myself and feel appreciation. Please don’t take my honesty as criticism towards my child. It’s my way of telling you I struggle. I could need your help. To do an activity without kids, that you accept the turbulence it might be to be with us. To show interest and to refuel both me and my family with positive experiences. It takes a village to raise a child it’s said.

Where is my village?

Did your child have a ruff school start?

School isn’t for everyone. Do you feel like you are alone with finding it hard? Feel like nobody understands? Have a kid “wired” different than others? My heart goes out to you. It can feel lonely. I want to share our experience, what has worked and not. But first I want to share one of our sons first school experience.

The transition

We knew the transition to school would be challenging, we tried reaching out in advance, to get the right preventive actions set for him to have a positive start at school. Only one man from the “activity-school”(norwegian after school educational service)called us for a follow up. The first week in this service was ok, thanks to this man and that my husband could get our boy early every day.

Then comes the first day of school.

We knew this would be challenging, but never would we have imagined the intense experience this would be.

First day of school is the first time you get your class and teachers presented. The way it is done is they gather every first-grader, every parent and grandparent in the school yard. When the kids get their name called, they are supposed to walk alone, in front of all of those people, shake the prinsipals hand and go to their teacher, wait there until every singel child has done this. Approximately 95 children.

Any of you parenting a child with adhd? And possibly autism? Or an anxious child? Shy mabye? How would you feel on a new job. Every single one of your collages and their family watching you. Kind of nerve wracking.

We tried to talk about this. Tell him that everyone is nervous, and everyone has their own thoughts this day. That even teachers and maybe the principal would feel butterflies or elephants in their tummy. I knew it would be hard for him, but the moment it was his turn, I couldn’t imagine.

So, back to the whole handshaking the principal in front of several hundred people. When big social events freak you out. Overwhelm you. Drives your senses crazy…

He wouldn’t go. I felt helpless. No options on how to enter first day of school. I felt the need to help him. To make him do what was expected. To late to make different plans or strategies. I didn’t want to be the mother whos child doesn’t do as told(another blog will take one this perspective).

So I carried him to the principal. He clung to me like a scared baby, hiding his face to my neck. Trying to hide… dissapear…. And then his frustration, and the lack of options, forced himt on his feelings.

He hit and kicked towards the principal and then he started kicking and hitting me. With all his power.

There we were, in front of hundreds. My kid was going at me with all his physical power. I can still feel the humiliation. I wanted to cry, to let him run home, never to come back, to hold him and promise I would never make him feel like that again. To apologize for making him do such a hard thing, that I know is difficult for him. To quit my job, homeschool, move, whatever to make up for the hard feelings he felt.

I mean, who is that for anyway! Who likes that? Is that a good way to make ANYONE feel safe?

It was followed by 6 months of battle, at home and in school. We luckily have the most amazing teacher! That listen to our child, to us, both as parents and professionals. We cooperate and adjust strategies together.

In this blog I will come back to how, why and what we have accomplished together with this amazing teacher and what I recommend for parents, teachers, friends and family with kids who act out. Diagnosis or not. We have tried a lot, and we keep finding new strategies, we stumble, fail and try something new. I love my children and my husband more than anything. And luckily we are both educated child wellfare workers. And we work well togheter.

It is the structures and expectations that need to change. A child cannot be forced to change. Can not be forced to accomplis challenges that are to big!

As Ross Green says ; “Kids who can behave will do so”.

If you have had a hard time sending your child to school please like and comment. I hope to share some advise and experience with you. To help you and your child. If from Norway please tell me in comments, so I can tell you where to seek information and help for you and your child ❤