school – Flower for power

The understanding adult in kindergarden doesn’t need to be a educational personnel! It takes an open heart

(although educatied adults are crutial in every institution that involves kids or other humanbeings).

How an assistant managed in one week, what permanent staff failed to do for a year.

I’ve worked with toddlers for five years, children with specialneeds for six years and children who cannot live with their families(for many different reasons) for five years. I also am raising two sons, one with adhd and possibly autism(highfunctioning). Turns out I too do have adhd.

First year in kindergarden was a nightmare. Several times a week they would call me. Told me he was unhappy, mabye sick. Crying a lot. I left work early to get him. The moment he saw me, he was joyful, happy, playful and well. They just couldn’t make him feel safe. They failed to engage him in their activites and the overlooked his challanges, not able to form their structure or activities to connect with him.

At one time they had an assistent for a week. She sat with him on her lap. Singing directly into his ear. Holding him close to her. Connected. He was smiling, leaning towards her, saying “more”. I was so happy. I even cried, I think. She told me “he needs me to be close. He asks me to sing again and again. He is so sweet. If I stop he gets miserable. He needs to at least hold my hand. So that we are physically connected “.

As the permantent staff problematised his behavoir, his tendensy to disrupt, not sitting still, hitting, not listening to commands and running away. They blamed it on poor behavior and bad parenting. I’m not joking. They said it was “suspicious” that he hit. Hinting that we might hit him and therefore he hit.

One to two years old hit. It’s communication! They don’t have the language skills and get out their frustration in hitting. Nothing weird about it. Also(we didn’t know at the time) he had loss of hearing. I don’t know how many times I’ve told coworkers and parents this.

Young children hit, its our job to understand why and help them communicate differently. Punishment is not the way. Neither is shame. We need to show that we understand, or try to. A toddler needs to be met and understood to develop good communication skills. Their expirience and feelings must be acknowleged for them to listen to ways to communicate their needs.

This lady looked at what she could do for him. She changed the structure of his day, changed her ways and met his needs. She worked to get connected. Gave safety and protection. The staff gave her a hard time told her she shouldn’t cuddle him and entertain him like that. They never used her as an assistant again. And they kept failing to meet his needs.

If you as an adult sees a child “acting out”. Not behaving as expected. You need to look at how to change the demands or structure around the child. It’s not for the child to change. They do not still have the tools to. To change behavior we need to change the surroundings and expectations.

When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the enviromente in which it blooms. Not the flower(alexander den hejer).

Get your tools and get to it. Create better enviroment for a child who struggles to bloom. Adusjt the enviroment and expectations, not the child.

Ps. I am considering writing in my own language. My english is not that good, but I hope there are not too many big writing errors…

Did your child have a ruff school start?

School isn’t for everyone. Do you feel like you are alone with finding it hard? Feel like nobody understands? Have a kid “wired” different than others? My heart goes out to you. It can feel lonely. I want to share our experience, what has worked and not. But first I want to share one of our sons first school experience.

The transition

We knew the transition to school would be challenging, we tried reaching out in advance, to get the right preventive actions set for him to have a positive start at school. Only one man from the “activity-school”(norwegian after school educational service)called us for a follow up. The first week in this service was ok, thanks to this man and that my husband could get our boy early every day.

Then comes the first day of school.

We knew this would be challenging, but never would we have imagined the intense experience this would be.

First day of school is the first time you get your class and teachers presented. The way it is done is they gather every first-grader, every parent and grandparent in the school yard. When the kids get their name called, they are supposed to walk alone, in front of all of those people, shake the prinsipals hand and go to their teacher, wait there until every singel child has done this. Approximately 95 children.

Any of you parenting a child with adhd? And possibly autism? Or an anxious child? Shy mabye? How would you feel on a new job. Every single one of your collages and their family watching you. Kind of nerve wracking.

We tried to talk about this. Tell him that everyone is nervous, and everyone has their own thoughts this day. That even teachers and maybe the principal would feel butterflies or elephants in their tummy. I knew it would be hard for him, but the moment it was his turn, I couldn’t imagine.

So, back to the whole handshaking the principal in front of several hundred people. When big social events freak you out. Overwhelm you. Drives your senses crazy…

He wouldn’t go. I felt helpless. No options on how to enter first day of school. I felt the need to help him. To make him do what was expected. To late to make different plans or strategies. I didn’t want to be the mother whos child doesn’t do as told(another blog will take one this perspective).

So I carried him to the principal. He clung to me like a scared baby, hiding his face to my neck. Trying to hide… dissapear…. And then his frustration, and the lack of options, forced himt on his feelings.

He hit and kicked towards the principal and then he started kicking and hitting me. With all his power.

There we were, in front of hundreds. My kid was going at me with all his physical power. I can still feel the humiliation. I wanted to cry, to let him run home, never to come back, to hold him and promise I would never make him feel like that again. To apologize for making him do such a hard thing, that I know is difficult for him. To quit my job, homeschool, move, whatever to make up for the hard feelings he felt.

I mean, who is that for anyway! Who likes that? Is that a good way to make ANYONE feel safe?

It was followed by 6 months of battle, at home and in school. We luckily have the most amazing teacher! That listen to our child, to us, both as parents and professionals. We cooperate and adjust strategies together.

In this blog I will come back to how, why and what we have accomplished together with this amazing teacher and what I recommend for parents, teachers, friends and family with kids who act out. Diagnosis or not. We have tried a lot, and we keep finding new strategies, we stumble, fail and try something new. I love my children and my husband more than anything. And luckily we are both educated child wellfare workers. And we work well togheter.

It is the structures and expectations that need to change. A child cannot be forced to change. Can not be forced to accomplis challenges that are to big!

As Ross Green says ; “Kids who can behave will do so”.

If you have had a hard time sending your child to school please like and comment. I hope to share some advise and experience with you. To help you and your child. If from Norway please tell me in comments, so I can tell you where to seek information and help for you and your child ❤

Flower for power

In a world of turbulence. In a world where society desides how you should look, dress and present yourself.

In a world filled with people in powerfull posisitions making poor desicions on behalf on all living creatures. War, pollution, jealusy, greed, ego, stress and poor politics… In a world where many stand alone in everyday stuggles. Where people are being silenced when standing up for human rights.

Where countries choose to undermine their people. Where people in power decide over girls education, self determination and liberation. Where women are told to be pretty, sucsessful, a good wife, a good mother and a professional. Pressure to be productive, happy, calm and sucsessfull. Contribute to society.

Be a flower. Any flower.

A rose or sunflower . Be a weed if you like. A wild plant growing where it is not wanted and in competition with cultivated plants. Grow and bloom in what ever way you can. Be colorful, fragile, friendly and useful. Spred joy to those that need your compassion, colors and growth. Spred love, wisdom and keep growing stronger.

Together the flowers can take the beating of the storm. And stretch for the sun when the storm has passed.

If you like me live in a place where flowers only bloom a couple of months a year. Be a snowfalke;

My feelings aren’t fragile

my heart isn’t bleeding.

I am a badass beliver in human rights.

My toughness is my tenderness.

My strenght is in the service of others.

There is nothing more fierce than formidable, unconditional love.

There is nothing more couragious than compassion.

But if my belief in equity, empathy, goodness and love indeed makes me or people like me snowflakes…

Then you should know…

WINTER IS COMING.

(Don’t know who to credit for this small game of thrones inspired poem, but I love it. Had to get it in there )